Titiputrid Times
by Pitti-Sing
Summary: The sequel to "The Mikado," starring Pitti-Sing. Exciting, suspenseful, wonderfully written, and- oh, wait, I'm thinking of another story. Well, I think you'll like this one anyway - please read and review!
1. Pitti-Sing Thinks Out Loud

TITIPUTRID TIMES  
  
By NikitaNickleby  
  
  
  
  
  
Chapter One: Pitti-Sing Thinks Out Loud  
  
  
  
"With joyous shout, with joyous shout and ringing cheer, inaugurate, inaugurate their new career, with joyous shout and ringing cheer, with joyous, joyous shout! With laughing song and merry dance, with laughing song and merry dance! With song…and…dance!"  
  
The citizens of the little town of Titipu, Japan finished singing and burst into clapping and cheers. Many people embraced, among them newlyweds Nanki- Poo and Yum-Yum. Peep-Bo, one of Yum-Yum's sisters, was joyfully jumping up and down. Nearby, Nanki-Poo's father, the Mikado, was applauding along with fellow Titipuians Pooh-Bah, Pish-Tush, and Go-To.  
  
In the frenzy of the festivities, no one noticed the one little girl sitting alone on a tree stump, far away from everyone else. Unlike her fellow citizens, she wore a look of gloom and discontent on her face. Languidly, she traced an abstract pattern on the little fan she always carried with her.  
  
This girl was Yum-Yum's youngest sister, Pitti-Sing, and her unhappiness was caused by her inability to find a mate. Everyone else had someone, she thought bitterly. Yum-Yum had Nanki-Poo. Katisha, a huge and incredibly ugly witch-like old woman who had lived in Titipu until recently, had married the city's former Lord High Executioner, Ko-Ko. Now even Peep-Bo had someone – she had recently acquired a gentleman friend by the name of Poke-Mon.  
  
Pooh-Bah, Pish-Tush, and Go-To all had wives. The Mikado didn't actually have a wife, but he was too senile to care.  
  
Pitti-Sing sighed heavily. She knew she was pretty, slim, a good singer and dancer, and had a good sense of humor. Why, she wondered, why is no one interested in me? I would make a superb mate, I know I would. And yet no man has ever expressed any romantic interest in me. It is simply apalling.  
  
"It must be apalling," came an extremely smarmy-sounding voice from behind the spot where she sat.  
  
Pitti-Sing whirled around, horrified that she had been thinking out loud. She then found herself looking into the eyes of an incredibly handsome young man, and her heart instantly started pounding like a jackhammer.  
  
"Of course, no one of the opposite sex has ever been enough of an idiot to fail to express such an interest in me," continued the young man, flexing his substantial arm muscles. Running his fingers through his thick dark hair, he continued, "You're an attractive young girl; I can't see what anyone could have against your looks. What's your name?"  
  
It took the young maiden a moment to remember. Then she babbled, "Pit…Pitti…Pitti-Sing."  
  
"What an incredibly marvelous coincidence," exclaimed the young man, who was now practicing variations on a roguish grin in a small mirror. "My name is quite similar to yours."  
  
"What is it?" she inquired.  
  
"I," he said, "am Shitty-Ping."  
  
"Shitty-Ping," she breathed, bedazzled.  
  
"And," continued Shitty-Ping, "I would very much like to get to know you better. Care to take a walk with me?"  
  
"Oh, yes," squealed Pitti-Sing, batting her eyelashes at Shitty-Ping. She neither noticed nor cared that she had lost all her composure and dignity.  
  
"Very well, then," said the young gentleman. "Let's go." He held out one of his arms, and she took it.  
  
The two of them walked off together, and Pitti-Sing managed to have one cogent thought: "Wow, I should think out loud more often."  
  
  
  
Meanwhile, the aforementioned old hag named Katisha was whistling merrily to herself as she carried her husband, Ko-Ko, toward their new home that she had built and designed herself. "Come along, darling," she chirped. "I can't wait for you to see our new bedroom!" She often carried him around as if he were a teddy bear, even though he was perfectly capable of walking. She was constantly smothering him with unwanted affection.  
  
Poor Ko-Ko had only married overbearing, domineering Katisha a few weeks ago, and already he was wondering how much longer he would be able to survive with her as his wife. He had only married her to save himself, Pitti-Sing, and Pooh-Bah from being beheaded – it was a very long story – but she was not aware that that was the reason. She was operating under the misconception that Ko-Ko actually loved her, which could not have been further from the truth. Still, Ko-Ko was trying to make the best of things.  
  
"We're here," squealed Katisha, hugging Ko-Ko so hard she nearly squeezed all his breath out of him. "You and your little sweetums are finally at your new house!"  
  
Little, thought Ko-Ko. That's a laugh. Katisha outweighed him by nearly two hundred pounds. But he just smiled, weakly, as was his reaction to most of the things his wife did and said. She went to all the trouble of designing your house, he reminded himself.  
  
Which you're going to have to live in.  
  
With her.  
  
Somehow he managed not to scream as he followed Katisha into the house, and managed still to keep quiet as she showed him to their bedroom. In the center of the room was an enormous bed, bigger even than a king-sized one.  
  
"Voila," said Katisha cheerfully.  
  
"Is that…" Ko-Ko fought to keep from shuddering. He choked out the next two words. "Our…bed?"  
  
"Why, no," said his wife, "of course not. That is my bed. That," she continued, pointing to a neon-pink sleeping bag lying next to the bed, "is yours. I shall now go to Titipu Mart and purchase some items for around the house. Goodbye, sweetie!"  
  
And with that, she walked out of the room, each step she took causing the house to shake violently. 


	2. Garlic Breath

Chapter Two: Garlic Breath  
  
  
  
  
  
Pitti-Sing wandered back toward her home in a state of dizzy lovesickness. She felt as though she would never tire of replaying the events of the past hour and a half in her head. She and Shitty-Ping had taken a long, leisurely walk through Titipu in which Shitty-Ping had talked about himself constantly, practically without stopping for breath.  
  
The majority of what he'd said, however, had gone in one of Pitti's ears and out the other, for she had spent almost the entire time gazing lovingly at his handsome face and paying attention to nothing else. (The one thing she vaguely remembered him saying was that he had won "Titipu Beat" magazine's Most Winning Grin award seven years in a row and was nominated again this year.)  
  
He's so handsome, Pitti thought dazedly. And of all the maidens in Titipu that he could have taken a walk with, he chose me! And to think that all I had to do was wish I had a gentleman friend… She considered wishing for the Titipuian currency equal to a million dollars, too, but decided not to press her luck. Besides, as far as she was concerned, no million dollars would ever have compared to the walk she had just taken.  
  
In her infatuated stupor, she tripped over Poke-Mon, who was sitting with Peep-Bo, Nanki-Poo, and Yum-Yum under a tree. She nearly fell flat on her face; fortunately, Nanki-Poo caught her and she managed to regain solid footing. "There you are, Pitti," he said cheerfully. "Next time, you'd better watch where you're going."  
  
She opened her mouth to say "thank you," but all that came out was "duhhhhhh."  
  
Peep-Bo raised one eyebrow. "What's the matter with you, dear? We are accustomed to hearing that sort of thing from Yum-Yum, but hardly from you."  
  
Yum-Yum, to put it mildly, had never been famous around Titipu for her intelligence. As if to prove this point, she smiled a glittery smile.  
  
"I," said Pitti-Sing proudly, "am in love."  
  
Peep-Bo and Poke-Mon smiled at each other knowingly; and Pitti suspected that they had already figured that out.  
  
Yum-Yum, however, seemed to have had no idea. "Oh!" she exclaimed, clasping her hands together in delight. "How exciting! Is it a young man?"  
  
"No," Poke-Mon replied sarcastically, "It's Katisha."  
  
"Well, I…" Pitti-Sing was grinning like an idiot. "I had better be going home…" She wandered off.  
  
"My goodness," Peep-Bo murmured. "Pitti-Sing in love. It seems as though she was learning to talk just yesterday."  
  
"She may have to re-learn," remarked Poke-Mon, staring after Pitti's departing figure. "Come along, dear, it's getting toward suppertime." He took Peep-Bo's hand, and they walked off.  
  
"I think it's wonderful that she's found someone," said Nanki-Poo. He then exited as well.  
  
Poor girl, thought Yum-Yum, shaking her head. I realize she's nowhere near as pretty as I, and much more desperate, but…KATISHA?!  
  
  
  
"Did you enjoy dinner, darling?" Katisha's voice rang out from the kitchen.  
  
Ko-Ko, who was sitting in the adjacent room, replied. "Oh, yes." He knew that he didn't sound at all convincing, but he also knew that Katisha wouldn't have cared if he had committed while resonding, as long as he'd said "yes". She just wanted to hear that word.  
  
Speaking of vomiting, the more Ko-Ko thought about it, the more appealing an idea it seemed. He thought if he lived with Katisha long enough, if he had to endure her overbearing, smothering personality and look at her ugly face each day, he might well be vomiting frequently.  
  
The fact was, dinner had been hideous. It had consisted solely of a food that was Katisha's favorite and Ko-Ko's least favorite: garlic. Katisha had forced Ko-Ko to finish his entire meal despite his (false) complaints of a stomachache. He supposed she had seen through them.  
  
The awful aftertaste of Ko-Ko's horrible meal was just beginning to fade when Katisha strode into the room, holding a deck of cards. "It's time for an after-dinner card game!" she announced cheerily.  
  
Ko-Ko would have preferred being devoured by maggots, but he knew better than to argue. "What game shall we play?" he asked, attempting in vain to keep the fatigue out of his voice.  
  
Katisha replied, "Slap Emperor," which was a Titipuian card game much like Slap Jack. She shuffled the cards. They then played a round of the game, which Katisha won.  
  
"Ha!" she exclaimed. "You lose! You must now face the consequences."  
  
"The…?" squeaked poor Ko-Ko. But before he could say "consequences," Katisha had grabbed him and was giving him a huge, sloppy, garlicky kiss.  
  
Ko-Ko made a pact with himself then and there that if Katisha ever announced that she was fixing garlic for dinner again, he would try to behead himself. He thought it would be relatively painless compared to the hell he was going through now.  
  
  
  
Katisha was asleep (and snoring loudly) by the time Ko-Ko crawled, exhausted, into his sleeping bag that night. He felt not only tired, but lonely, depressed, lost, and in desperate need of a Tic-Tac. Unfortunately, Tic-Tacs hadn't yet been invented, so there was nothing he could do about his garlic breath.  
  
From the sleeping bag, Ko-Ko spied the one suitcase he had brought with him to his new home. He got out of the sleeping bag and opened it. A piece of paper immediately caught his attention. It was a little list he'd made during his days as Lord High Executioner of Titipu. On it were the names of all the people in the town he thought would never be missed if they were executed. Now he added "Katisha" to the list and underlined her name several times.  
  
Then something else caught his eye. It was his tattered stuffed monkey, Bing-Bong, whom he had owned since his infancy. Bing-Bong had always been Ko-Ko's main source of comfort when he was upset, and now he needed Bing- Bong more than ever.  
  
Ko-Ko climbed back into the sleeping bag with the monkey, squeezed Bing- Bong tightly, and burst into tears. 


	3. Story Hour with Pooh-Bah

Chapter Three: Story Hour with Pooh-Bah  
  
  
  
The following morning, Pitti-Sing was eating breakfast with Peep-Bo and Poke-Mon when there was a knock at the door.  
  
"I'll answer it," Peep-Bo volunteered. She got up from her chair and opened the front door. Standing before her was the Mikado. He was flanked by Go-To and Pish-Tush.  
  
"Good morning," said the Mikado in his voice that made him sound as if he had been around since the Mesozoic era.  
  
"Greetings, Your Majesty," said Peep-Bo, bowing. "What brings you here?"  
  
"I am here to announce an exciting new event to take place here in Titipu this afternoon," the emperor replied.  
  
"Oh! Jolly good," Peep-Bo said. "What is it?" She had an unfortunate feeling, however, that the Mikado would not answer. She knew him well enough to know that he couldn't go two minutes without suffering a bout of senility. Sure enough, he suffered one right then and there.  
  
"Pigs…" mumbled the old man. "…pigs…pigs…PIGS! PIGS! Ha ha ha ha ha…" Laughing hysterically, he ambled off.  
  
"Sorry about him," murmured Go-To.  
  
"What's the big event?" Peep-Bo asked him.  
  
"We're not sure, actually," admitted Pish-Tush. "It's something important, but we haven't been told exactly what it is. The only one who knows is the Mikado." He then bowed, as all Titipuians did whenever they said 'the Mikado'. "But we can't get him to tell us. He's gone rather soft in the head."  
  
"I noticed," said Poke-Mon dryly. He and Pitti-Sing had now joined Peep- Bo.  
  
"When's this…thing…going to take place?" asked Pitti-Sing.  
  
"At one o'clock this afternoon," Go-To replied. "In Titipu Town Park. Everyone in town is invited. Do you think you might come?"  
  
Pitti-Sing exchanged a three-way glance with Peep-Bo and Poke-Mon. "Sure," they all finally replied.  
  
"Excellent," said Pish-Tush. "I'll tell him you're coming."  
  
" 'Him'?" repeated Poke-Mon. "You mean the Mikado?"  
  
"Oh, no," Pish-Tush said. "Pooh-Bah. He's the one hosting the event. I'll let him know to expect you!" And with that, Pish-Tush and Go-To left.  
  
Pitti-Sing, Poke-Mon, and Peep-Bo were staring after the departing lords in slack-jawed horror.  
  
"An afternoon with Pooh-Bah," moaned Peep-Bo. "I can't think of anything more hideous." Pooh-Bah was known around town as the most boring man on Earth, and it was an unfortunately accurate description. When talking about his ancestry, or any of several other subjects that he enjoyed talking about, he could go on for so long that in most cases, he caused his audience to miss several meals.  
  
"I was going to spend the afternoon with Shitty-Ping," Pitti wailed. "Now my afternoon's shot, and my evening too."  
  
"And possibly all day tomorrow," added Poke-Mon.  
  
Pitti moaned.  
  
"Well, I don't suppose there's much we can do now," Peep-Bo let out a long sigh. "Go-To and Pish-Tush have already told Pooh we're going to be there. The only thing we can do is grin and bear it. Besides, how awful can it be?"  
  
Pitti-Sing and Poke-Mon just stared at her.  
  
  
  
Poke-Mon, Peep-Bo, and Pitti-Sing marched toward Titipu Town Park looking somewhat reminiscent of prisoners headed for the guillotine. When they arrived, they found Pooh-Bah sitting on a tree stump, surrounded by a crowd of people. A big sign reading STORY HOUR WITH POOH-BAH elicited groans from all three of them.  
  
"More like Story Hours," Pitti could hear Peep-Bo murmur to Poke-Mon.  
  
The crowd consisted mostly of very young Titipuians, whom Pitti was already feeling very sorry for. Also present were the Mikado (who was now babbling about grape jelly), Yum-Yum, and Nanki-Poo. Pitti scanned the crowd for Shitty-Ping, but saw that he was not there. Her heart sank. What a wasted day, she thought sadly.  
  
"Thank you all for coming," Pooh-Bah said in the slow, distinct, and incredibly tedious manner in which he said everything. "My name is Pooh- Bah. I am the Archbishop of Titipu, the Groom of the Backstairs, the Master of the Buckhounds…" Pitti-Sing let her mind wander as Pooh-Bah listed all his various titles. Finally he said, "I am now going to tell you all a tale from my youth. It is entitled 'A Typical Day In The Life of Young Pooh-Bah.' I sincerely hope you all enjoy it."  
  
Pitti-Sing sighed heavily; Peep-Bo and Yum-Yum moaned; Poke-Mon mumbled something angry-sounding under his breath; Nanki-Poo looked around frantically for a place where he could escape without being noticed. (Unfortunately, there was none.)  
  
"Ahem." Pooh-Bah cleared his throat. "This is the exciting story of a little boy named Pooh-Bah. That's me," he added, looking as though he hoped the audience would find him hilarious. When his wit was met with blank stares, he frowned and continued. "Now this little boy named Pooh- Bah had gone to sleep the previous night at precisely 10:13 o' clock, and as I recall, it was getting toward 10:14. The following morning, little Pooh-Bah arose at 7:21 o' clock. Pooh-Bah got out of bed and decided to get dressed. He had a very hard time choosing between two kimonos. One was blue and the other was green. 'I shall choose the blue one,' he thought. 'No, the green one…no, the blue one…no, green…no, blue." And blue is what Pooh-Bah eventually decided upon. He then walked down the stairs, taking the second and third steps both at the same time, and then repeating this again at the seventh and eighth steps. When he arrived downstairs, he said good morning his mother, he said good morning to his father, and then he sat down at the table to eat breakfast. His breakfast was oatmeal. The oatmeal was…"  
  
At this point, Pitti-Sing began to feel very sleepy. Just as she was about to drift off into slumber, a thought occurred to her: Perhaps this story hour isn't a complete loss. Now I can dream about Shitty-Ping all day!  
  
And she did.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
That same morning, Ko-Ko had woken up with the same morning amnesia he had always awoken with. Who am I? Ko-Ko thought groggily. Where am I? What am I doing here? What's going on?  
  
"GOOD MORNING, SWEETUMS!" rang a familiarly hideous (or perhaps hideously familiar) voice from downstairs. "I HAVE PREPARED BREAKFAST!"  
  
Now Ko-Ko remembered everything. He could hear Katisha lumbering up the stairs. He quickly whispered to Bing-Bong, "We'll pretend to be dead." He lay in a stiff, awkward position, crossing his eyes and letting his tongue hanging out.  
  
Katisha strode into the room. "Not again," she grumbled, seeing Ko-Ko's prostrate form. "Ko-Ko, this is the sixth time in a row. Are you really dead this time?"  
  
"Yes," said Ko-Ko.  
  
"Thought as much," said Katisha. "Now come have breakfast."  
  
Rrrrrggggghhhh, thought Ko-Ko. I always fall for that.  
  
Seeing no way out of the situation, he got out of the sleeping bag and started for the stairs. But of course, Katisha insisted on carrying him all the way down. "I am able to walk," he said irritably. It was hardly the first time he'd said this.  
  
"Yes, yes, I know," cooed Katisha, not even hearing him. "I can't wait till you see what I've prepared for breakfast this morning?"  
  
Bet I can, thought Ko-Ko. "What?" he asked warily as she set him on his feet in the kitchen. He could already see that there were plates of something on the table; but he was quite nearsighted and couldn't tell what it was.  
  
"Boiled bugs!" squealed Katisha.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Five minutes later, Katisha was contentedly gobbling up her fifth serving of boiled bugs, and Ko-Ko was turning green as he choked down a slimy caterpillar while trying to keep the same sunny smile plastered on his face.  
  
"Are you enjoying your breakfast, sweetie pie?" Katisha asked.  
  
"Yes," squeaked Ko-Ko. He was in absolute agony.  
  
Fortunately, there was a knock at the door. "I'll answer it!" Katisha announced, and waddled off in the direction of the door.  
  
The instant she was out of sight, Ko-Ko wiped the smile off his face and buried his face in his hands.  
  
"Oh, hello, Pish-Tush, Go-To!" he could hear her saying.  
  
"…morning," said Go-To. Ko-Ko was unable to catch all the words. "We…here…inform you…of…new…passed…Japan."  
  
Pish-Tush said, "…entitles…every time…finishes…meal…must…"  
  
Ko-Ko had no idea what they were talking about, but he started to have a bad feeling about it when Katisha reacted delightly. "Oh! …wonderful…tell…right away!"  
  
"Excellent…must…go now…goodbye."  
  
"Goodbye!" sang Katisha, and pranced (as well as a 360-pound woman could prance) back into the kitchen. "Darling, Pish-Tush and Go-To just informed me of the greatest thing! A wonderful new law has just gone into effect in Japan!"  
  
"I do hope it's a ban on bugs," mumbled Ko-Ko.  
  
Katisha heard him, but fortunately, she didn't register it as an insult. "No, sweetums," she said. "The law is this: whenever one finishes a meal that they enjoy, they must burp to prove their enjoyment of it!"  
  
Ko-Ko gaped at her in horror. He knew that this would be the end of him. In his forty-two years of life, he had never once been able to burp. He had never seen it as a disability.  
  
Until now.  
  
He knew that if he didn't belch at every meal, he was likely to get stomped on or something. Not that getting stomped on wouldn't be preferable to life with Katisha, but still, he wasn't exactly hoping for it to happen.  
  
Maybe I can fake it, he thought, and made a sort of croaking sound.  
  
"Something in your throat, dear?" asked Katisha.  
  
Ko-Ko shook his head. Damn, he thought. It's not going to work.  
  
"Eat your bugs!" his wife was saying. "Eat up, eat up, eat up! We haven't got all day, you know."  
  
Somehow, Ko-Ko managed to swallow the remaining bugs. He found it somewhat easier to eat them if he didn't chew at all; that way he didn't have to taste them.  
  
Eventually, Katisha looked over and saw that he had an empty plate. "Well?" she said, looking at him. Ko-Ko's heart leapt into his throat. He knew she was expecting him to burp. But he couldn't do it. He just shrugged helplessly.  
  
Katisha looked at him menacingly. She furrowed her eyebrows.  
  
And then she let out a roar that was audible in the next country.  
  
  
  
"What was THAT?!" exclaimed Poke-Mon, awaking. He, Peep-Bo, Yum-Yum, and Nanki-Poo had also fallen asleep during Pooh-Bah's story and had been asleep for quite some time. (Pooh-Bah, incidentally, was still describing his breakfast.)  
  
"I don't know," replied Yum-Yum, who had also heard Katisha's roar. "Thunder?"  
  
"There's not a cloud in the sky," pointed out Nanki-Poo.  
  
"Oh…yes…I suppose not," Yum-Yum agreed with a giggle.  
  
After a pause, Nanki said, "I don't hear anything anymore."  
  
"Shhhh," said Peep-Bo. "Pitti-Sing's still asleep!"  
  
The four then looked at Pitti-Sing and saw that she was, indeed, still snoozing. "Shitty-Ping…" she murmured, a smile on her face. "Shitty- Ping…"  
  
A pretty girl nearby whipped her head around at the sound of Pitti-Sing's words. "Did she say Shitty-Ping?" the girl demanded of Peep-Bo.  
  
"Yes," said Peep-Bo, rolling her eyes. "That's her new gentleman friend. She talks about him nonstop."  
  
"He's awfully attractive," chirped Yum-Yum, eliciting a slightly upset look from Nanki-Poo. "He was nominated for Titipu Beat magazine's Most-Winning- Grin award seven years in a row, and he's nominated again this year."  
  
The girl had a strange look on her face. "What's wrong?" asked Poke-Mon.  
  
"Shitty-Ping…" said the girl. "He used to be my boyfriend."  
  
"What happened?" asked Nanki-Poo.  
  
"It's a long story," replied the girl.  
  
"I'd rather hear this long story than that long story," said Poke-Mon, indicating Pooh-Bah.  
  
"All right, then," said the girl. "It all started…"  
  
"Wait a minute," Peep-Bo said. "Before you continue, would you please tell us your name?"  
  
The girl replied, "Hiba-Chi."  
  
"Nice to meet you, Hiba-Chi," Peep-Bo said with a smile. "I'm Peep-Bo. This is Yum-Yum, Nanki-Poo, Poke-Mon, and that's Pitti-Sing over there."  
  
"Tell us your story," said Yum-Yum.  
  
Hiba-Chi took a deep breath. "Well. It started approximately a year and a half ago…" 


	4. The Truth About Shitty-Ping

Chapter Four: The Truth About Shitty-Ping  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Yes, I know cameras would not have existed at the time this story took place. Just play along, okay? :-)  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
"My mother and father became acquainted with Shitty-Ping's parents long before Shitty-Ping and I knew each other," Hiba-Chi said. "The two of us met one day when our parents got together for lunch. I was instantly smitten with him. He informed me that the feeling was mutual, but…" a look of pain came over her face. "…eventually it became clear that it wasn't."  
  
Peep-Bo, Poke-Mon, Nanki-Poo, and Yum-Yum looked at her sympathetically. "How did it become clear?" asked Nanki.  
  
"He dumped me," replied Hiba-Chi bluntly. "Cast me aside as though I were a used tissue. Never spoke to me, never looked at me again."  
  
Peep-Bo patted Hiba-Chi on the shoulder. "I'm so sorry. You deserved better."  
  
"I know that now," the other girl replied with a rueful smile, "but I didn't then. All I saw was a handsome face and an attractive body. I don't believe I ever devoted any thought to his personality."  
  
"I understand," said Peep-Bo softly.  
  
Hiba-Chi continued, "After that happened, I met up with several girls who had also been girlfriends of Shitty-Ping. It turned out that he'd dumped them all in the same manner in which he dumped me."  
  
"How awful!" said Poke-Mon.  
  
"Interestingly enough, he dumped each of us at the same time of year," Hiba- Chi said. "You know of Titipu Beat magazine, I imagine."  
  
Peep-Bo, Poke-Mon, and Nanki-Poo nodded. Yum-Yum just blinked at Hiba-Chi. "Maga what?" she asked.  
  
"Well, anyway," continued Hiba-Chi, "every year Shitty-Ping gets nominated for their Most Winning Grin award, and each year he wins it. Apparently, it helps the nominees in that category to win if they have a pretty young maiden on their arm, and he decided that he wanted a different one each year. As soon as he'd get the award, he'd never look our way again."  
  
"What a moron!" Peep-Bo exclaimed vehemently. "Using you to get awards…what a colossal idiot!"  
  
"Pitti-Sing must be informed at once," said Poke-Mon. "Obviously she's the next one to whom this is going to happen."  
  
"I'll wake her up and tell her," said Yum-Yum.  
  
She had lain her hand on her sister's shoulder and was just about to shake her when Pitti-Sing murmured once more in her sleep. "Shitty-Ping…oh, Shitty-Ping, I love you so much."  
  
Nanki-Poo gently brushed Yum-Yum's hand off Pitti's shoulder. "Don't you think, dear," he said, "that it might be a good idea to wait a little while and think of a gentle way to tell her the news?"  
  
"Yes, Nanki-Poo's right," said Peep-Bo. "We should try our hardest not to break her heart."  
  
"I suppose…" Yum-Yum said vaguely. She was staring at her red-painted fingernails now. She was really more interested in her nails than in trying to prevent her sister's heart from breaking.  
  
It was then that Shitty-Ping trotted onto the scene. He shook Pitti-Sing awake. "Wake up, darling," he said, flashing his notorious grin. "What's an exciting young girl like you doing in a boring place like this?" He seemed not to notice the deadly looks Peep-Bo, Hiba-Chi, Poke-Mon, and Nanki-Poo were shooting him. (Yum-Yum was still staring at her nails.)  
  
"Shitty-Ping!" Pitti squealed, "I missed you! Come on, let's go away from here." He took her hand – Peep-Bo could see her shiver with pleasure – and led her away, all the while drinking in the loving expression on her face. They managed to escape without Pooh-Bah noticing.  
  
Peep-Bo and Poke-Mon exchanged a glance, and each knew what the other was thinking: it would be just about impossible to tell Pitti-Sing the truth about Shitty-Ping without breaking her heart.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Forty minutes later, Pooh-Bah was describing his lunch and Peep-Bo, Hiba- Chi, Nanki-Poo, and Poke-Mon were still discussing the Shitty-Ping problem. They had not made much progress. They were sure that even the gentlest manner they could think of in which to break the news to Pitti-Sing would send her into a tailspin.  
  
"Perhaps a little music will help inspire us," said Nanki-Poo. He picked up his lute, which was lying in the grass next to him. Lute-playing had always been a side hobby of Nanki's. Unfortunately, he was terrible at it, and his comment elicited groans from everyone nearby who knew this.  
  
He strummed the lute several times. Peep-Bo, Poke-Mon, Hiba-Chi, and everyone else near them winced as he played the wrong chord. He then opened his mouth and sang, managing to make his lute-playing look virtuosic. "PUFF THE MAGIC DRAAAAGON," he warbled, "LIIIIVED BY THE SEEEEAAAAA…"  
  
"Do shut up," wailed Yum-Yum, clapping her hands over her ears. "I can't stand when you sing."  
  
Nanki-Poo stopped and grumbled under his breath, "I never get to the end of that song."  
  
After awhile, the four concluded – somewhat apprehensively – that the best thing to do would be simply to let the relationship run its course.  
  
"If we tried to keep my sister away from Shitty-Ping," Peep-Bo sensibly pointed out, "She would likely defy us and keep company with him even more."  
  
"All right," Nanki-Poo said. "I'll keep quiet."  
  
"As will I," said Poke-Mon.  
  
Hiba-Chi reluctantly agreed as well.  
  
A thought then occurred to Peep-Bo, and she turned to her sister. "Yum- Yum?"  
  
"Yes?" said Yum-Yum with her big, bright smile.  
  
"Will you keep quiet, too?"  
  
"About what?"  
  
"Never mind," sighed Peep-Bo.  
  
"I wonder where they went," Nanki murmured, staring off in the direction in which Pitti-Sing and Shitty-Ping had left. The others shrugged.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
As it turned out, Shitty-Ping had taken Pitti-Sing to a photograph shoot for Titipu Beat's Most Winning Grin award nominees. It was quite awhile before it was Shitty-Ping's turn to have some pictures taken, but Pitti- Sing didn't mind. She spent the whole wait noticing little things about him that she'd never noticed before – how perfect his earlobes were, for instance, or the cute little freckle on the right of his nose.  
  
Finally someone shouted, "NEXT!"  
  
"That's us," said Shitty-Ping. He walked up to the camera and dramatically announced, "I am Shitty-Ping." He said it as if he hoped the photographer would bow; and looked slightly put out when he didn't.  
  
"Smile," said the photographer in a monotonous voice.  
  
"No, wait! Wait a moment," said Shitty-Ping. He turned to Pitti, who was hanging back. "You want to be in the photo with me?"  
  
"Of course, Shitty-Ping!" she squealed, and ran to his side.  
  
"Who is this?" asked the photographer, whose nametag announced that he was named Ko-Dak.  
  
"This is my girlfriend…" All of a sudden Shitty-Ping began to look slightly nervous and shifty-eyed.  
  
"Pitti-Sing," Pitti-Sing supplied quickly.  
  
Ko-Dak nodded at her and gave Shitty-Ping a look which Pitti-Sing didn't think was very nice. He can't be expected to remember everything, she thought.  
  
"Now look adoringly at me, but don't look more loveable than I do," Shitty- Ping instructed her. This was no great feat of acting for her; she instantly did so. He played off of this by flexing his biceps proudly, and in turn looked adoringly at his arm.  
  
"Okay, smile," said Ko-Dak. Shitty-Ping obligingly put on his big winning grin.  
  
Ko-Dak took several pictures, then said, "All right, you're done."  
  
"Oh Shitty-Ping," Pitti-Sing gushed, "I know your photographs are going to look absolutely marvelous!"  
  
"Goes without saying," muttered Shitty-Ping, who was now looking in his little mirror and running his fingers through his hair. He looked so adorable to Pitti-Sing; she felt her heart flip over.  
  
But the best part of the trip, as far as she was concerned, was at the very end, when they were almost back to Titipu Town Park. Shitty-Ping had stopped walking all of a sudden, and Pitti-Sing had followed suit.  
  
"You made a wonderful prop today, princess," he told her in the greasy way he had of saying things. He then reached into the pocket of his kimono, took out a little pair of scissors, and carefully cut off a little bit of his shiny dark hair. "I want you to have my favorite tendril."  
  
Pitti-Sing looked as elated as if she'd received the Hope Diamond. "Oh, Shitty-Ping," she shrieked, throwing her arms around him. "I love you!"  
  
"Me too," said Shitty-Ping. Apparently Pitti-Sing didn't notice the odd way this statement was worded, or perhaps she simply decided to drop the matter while there was still some ambiguity.  
  
As they walked back into the park and saw that Pooh-Bah was still yakking away, Shitty-Ping murmured, "I hope you enjoy your tendril…" His voice trailed off.  
  
"Pitti-Sing," she reminded him.  
  
"Right. Pitti-Sing."  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Meanwhile, Ko-Ko was walking back toward his house. After Katisha had uttered her ear-splitting roar, she had run after him, trying to catch him – and he was pretty sure her intent had not been to kiss him. In running away from her, he had run faster than he had ever run before in his life. Eventually, he had managed to get away from her – and now, several hours later, he had decided it might finally be safe to return home. He opened the door and walked inside to find the house quiet as a tomb.  
  
"H-hello?" he called nervously.  
  
No reply.  
  
Ko-Ko searched the house from top to bottom for Katisha, but found no sign of her. For some reason, he could not feel too concerned.  
  
He walked upstairs to get Bing-Bong off his sleeping bag so he could play with him for awhile, but before he could get to the sleeping bag his eyes fell on a note lying on the covers of Katisha's enormous bed.  
  
  
  
  
  
Ko-Ko,  
  
I have left and am never coming back. I can never live with a man who doesn't belch after every meal. I hate your guts. Sincerely, Katisha.  
  
  
  
  
  
"Ta-ra-ra-boom-de-ay!" sang Ko-Ko, jumping in the air and clicking his heels ecstatically. Katisha was gone and she was never coming back. He'd never have to endure her hideous cooking or her awful personality again. He was finally free. The worst day of his life had turned into the best one.  
  
But then his gaze fell on his sleeping bag, and what he saw made everything else that had happened that day look insignificant. The spot where his little stuffed monkey had sat was now completely empty.  
  
Bing-Bong was gone. 


	5. The Search For Bing-Bong

Chapter Five: The Search For Bing-Bong  
  
  
  
  
  
By the time night fell, the seemingly interminable story hour was still going strong. Parents had come to pick up their children, found the children asleep, and soon fallen asleep themselves. Eventually, the Mikado had started to disrupt things and Go-To and Pish-Tush had had to escort him home. Peep-Bo and Poke-Mon had left as well, being unable to stand Pooh- Bah's story any longer. Soon the only people left in the park besides the sleeping parents and children were Pitti-Sing, Hiba-Chi, Nanki-Poo, Yum- Yum, and Pooh-Bah.  
  
"…and little Pooh-Bah went back to sleep. The end," Pooh-Bah finally concluded. "I thoroughly enjoyed relating my childhood experiences to you," he said cheerfully. "I hope you enjoyed them as much as I did."  
  
"Yes, of course," said Pitti-Sing, Hiba-Chi, and Nanki-Poo in unison, attempting – and failing – to sound convincing.  
  
"You did?!" said Yum-Yum incredulously. Fortunately, Pooh-Bah didn't hear her.  
  
"Come along, dear," Nanki-Poo said tiredly to his wife. "Let's go home."  
  
"I had better be going, too," said Pitti.  
  
The four got up and had started to leave when Ko-Ko burst into the park. His face was rather tear-stained. "I…need…your help!" he said, sounding distraught as he tried to catch his breath.  
  
At the sound of Ko-Ko's words, the departing people turned around. "Ko- Ko!" exclaimed Nanki-Poo. "What are you doing here?"  
  
"Big woman. Ugly. Mean," he stammered quickly. "Garlic. No Tic-Tacs. Terrible meals. Boiled bugs. Belching law. Wife left me. Ran away. Long story. No time for that right now." He then took a deep breath and wailed at the top of his lungs, "BING-BONG'S GONE!!!"  
  
Nanki-Poo, Pitti-Sing, Hiba-Chi, and Yum-Yum all had identical expressions on their faces that clearly stated they thought Ko-Ko had lost his mind.  
  
"What are you talking about?" demanded Nanki-Poo. "Who's Bing-Bong?"  
  
"My best friend," said Ko-Ko, sounding slightly calmer. "He's a stuffed toy monkey. He's missing. Katisha took him, I know she did!"  
  
"'Bing-Bong'? That's the most ridiculous name I've ever heard," said Yum- Yum.  
  
Ko-Ko had gotten on his knees and had clasped his hands together. "Please, help me find him!"  
  
"I shall," said Pooh-Bah, rising from his spot on the tree stump. "I know how terrible it can be to lose a friend. Why, I remember about twenty-five years ago…"  
  
"We'll find him, I promise," said Pitti-Sing. She said it kindly, as if trying to reassure Ko-Ko, but she was obviously also saying it in hopes that her interruption of Pooh-Bah's story would make him forget what he was about to say.  
  
No such luck. "I had a good friend," Pooh-Bah was saying, "by the name of Dongki-Kong. One day I started to tell Dongki-Kong a tale from my adolescent years. At some point during the story, Dongki-Kong fell asleep, and after awhile, these large ugly black birds flew down to the ground and began to peck at him…"  
  
"How awful," said Hiba-Chi forcefully, and this time Pooh-Bah seemed to get the message. He shut his mouth and remained quiet.  
  
"Now," said Pitti-Sing, "let's find that monkey."  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Ko-Ko, Pitti-Sing, Hiba-Chi, and Yum-Yum had then set off in search of Bing- Bong. Pooh-Bah had decided – to their dismay – to come along as well, instructing Nanki-Poo to continue Story Hour for him.  
  
At first, Nanki hadn't had any idea how to start and had felt rather desperate. Finally he'd decided to recite the one fairy tale he knew, which was "Hey Diddle Diddle." His manner of story-telling was much more energetic than Pooh-Bah's, and as a result, many of the children woke up.  
  
Apparently his performance was received well, because at the end of it, the children all yelled, "AGAIN!"  
  
"Again?" repeated Nanki-Poo, feeling rather flattered. "Well…all right! Hey diddle diddle, the cat and the fiddle…"  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Two hundred and eighty-seven recitings later, Nanki was feeling anything but flattered. In fact, he was half-wishing that all the members of his audience would spontaneously combust.  
  
"AGAIN!" shrieked the children for the two hundred eighty-seventh time.  
  
"Hey diddle diddle," Nanki mumbled monotonously. His voice was completely devoid of expression. "The cat and the fiddle. The cow jumped over the moon. The little dog laughed to see such sport. And the dish ran away with the spoon."  
  
"AGAIN!"  
  
This time, Nanki-Poo decided to abbreviate. "Hey…diddle…cat…fiddle …cow…jumped…moon…dog…dish…spoon."  
  
"AGAIN!"  
  
"Cat cow dog dish."  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Meanwhile, Pitti-Sing, Hiba-Chi, Ko-Ko, Yum-Yum, and Pooh-Bah were feeling exhausted.  
  
"I must go home and get some sleep," said Hiba-Chi, who looked half-asleep already. She let out a gigantic yawn. "I'm afraid I can't help you anymore tonight."  
  
Yum-Yum shook her head. "Me neither."  
  
"Nor I," said Pooh-Bah. The three of them, and Pitti-Sing, turned and started to leave.  
  
"But-" sputtered Ko-Ko. "You can't go now! We have to find Bing-Bong!"  
  
"Perhaps we can resume tomorrow," said Yum-Yum, sounding as if she had no intention whatsoever of doing so. The four continued to walk off, leaving Ko-Ko behind.  
  
Pitti turned around and walked back to Ko-Ko. She placed a reassuring hand on his shoulder. "Don't worry," she said gently. "I promise you we'll find him."  
  
He wanted to say that he would never be able to stop worrying until Bing- Bong was found safe and sound, but he found himself unable to speak. Pitti- Sing gave him a slight squeeze, then walked away.  
  
Ko-Ko stared after the departing girl, still unable to speak. But this time, it wasn't because of a lump in his throat. It was because the instant he had looked into her compassionate brown eyes, everything inside him had melted.  
  
He had fallen crazily in love with Pitti-Sing. 


	6. We Big Stars Don't Have Time For Just An...

Chapter Six: We Big Stars Don't Have Time For Just Anybody  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
The number of people in the search party had gone down to two by the next day, but Ko-Ko hardly minded this, for the two people left were himself and Pitti-Sing.  
  
"Think," said Pitti as the two of them searched that afternoon. "Where was the last place you left Bing-Bong, Ko-Ko?"  
  
Her voice is so pretty, thought Ko-Ko. It sounds like a flute. I hope she'll talk to me some more. I don't care what you say. Just talk, so I can hear your beautiful voice…  
  
"Ko-Ko?"  
  
"Uh?" Ko-Ko was startled out of his reverie.  
  
"I said, where was the last place you left your monkey?"  
  
"On top of my sleeping bag," Ko-Ko said promptly. She has such shiny, thick, luxurious hair, he thought dreamily.  
  
"And you looked all around your house?" Pitti-Sing said.  
  
"I checked every square inch," replied Ko-Ko, hoping his feelings weren't visible on his face. We are on an extremely important search-and-rescue mission here, he reminded himself. You don't want her to know you're thinking about her luxurious hair and melodious voice.  
  
And sweet face and cute little nose and…  
  
Stop, Ko-Ko told himself. You're supposed to be thinking about Bing-Bong, not staring at Pitti-Sing's lips.  
  
Those red, full, luscious, beautiful…  
  
AAAAAGGGGGHHHHH! STOP IT!!!  
  
"Don't worry," said Pitti-Sing with sincere sweetness. "I know exactly what you're going through."  
  
Ko-Ko's heart sped up. She knew? The only way she could know was if she had experienced the same feelings herself. Was she experiencing them right now? Was she experiencing them about him?!  
  
"I don't know what I'd do if I loved a stuffed monkey as much as you love Bing-Bong and then I lost him," Pitti continued.  
  
As much as he missed Bing-Bong, Ko-Ko still couldn't help feeling just a little disappointed.  
  
"Perhaps if Katisha headed east after leaving your house," Pitti-Sing mused, "she could have cut through Stickiglu" (a nearby town) "and accidentally dropped Bing-Bong somewhere there. Are you up for a walk to Stickiglu?"  
  
"Of course," said Ko-Ko, managing not to say that he'd have tried to walk all around Earth if she had asked him to.  
  
And they set off toward Stickiglu.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Unfortunately, their search efforts in Stickiglu proved just as fruitless as those in Titipu, and after awhile, Pitti-Sing gasped. "It's twelve- thirty!" she gasped. "I have to go now!"  
  
"You do?!" Ko-Ko couldn't keep the dismay out of his voice. "Why?"  
  
"I promised Shitty-Ping I'd meet him for lunch," replied Pitti-Sing.  
  
"Shitty-Ping?" repeated Ko-Ko. "Who's Shitty-Ping?"  
  
"My boyfriend," replied Pitti. "He's the most wonderful person in the world." As she trotted off, she shouted joyfully, "We're in LOVE!"  
  
And Ko-Ko felt his heart plummet to the bottom of his shoes.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
The original plan had been for Pitti-Sing to meet Shitty-Ping at his home. But when she arrived back in Titipu, she found no one at the house.  
  
"Have either of you seen Shitty-Ping?" she asked Peep-Bo and Poke-Mon, who were walking by.  
  
Both looked strangely angered at the mention of Shitty-Ping's name, but they simply shook their heads and walked on.  
  
Pitti-Sing wandered around for awhile, looking for Shitty-Ping. He was nowhere to be found. Finally, she walked back to her own house, feeling quite upset. When she arrived home, she found a note stuck on the front door.  
  
"I know we were going to go out today, sweetums, but my plans have changed. An eight-time Most Winning Grin award winner such as myself can't stay in Titipu all my life. I've gone off to the town of Nykishu to pursue a career in movies. Don't call me – we big stars don't have time for just anybody. Shitty-Ping."  
  
Overwhelmed, Pitti-Sing sat down on the front porch. She tried to reason with herself, but found it incredibly difficult. Of course he wouldn't want to stay in a little town like Titipu all his life, she told herself. Who can blame him for wanting to pursue a film career? I can't deny that he has the potential to become a star.  
  
She also couldn't deny that she had a lump the size of Katisha in her throat.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Ko-Ko was feeling extremely depressed by the time he returned to Pooh-Bah's house that afternoon. (Pooh-Bah had told Ko-Ko that he was welcome to stay with him and his wife for as long as he was in Titipu.) The first thing he did was sit down in the little spare room in which he was staying with a piece of paper and a pen, and began to compose a poem. What he lacked in writing talent, he made up in sincerity.  
  
  
  
Pitti-Sing, oh Pitti-Sing, you can never know  
  
The amazing effect you've had on me.  
  
You've made my heart, formerly little, grow  
  
As big as a really really really really really really really really big tree.  
  
  
  
Pitti-Sing, oh Pitti-Sing, you know I've lost Bing-Bong.  
  
And if I lost you too, I would miss you.  
  
I desperately want my monkey back, don't get me wrong,  
  
But what I want most in the world is to kiss you.  
  
  
  
Pitti-Sing, oh Pitti-Sing, you have such pretty eyes  
  
You have a pretty mouth, and you have a pretty nose  
  
I wanted to tell you I loved you this afternoon  
  
But every time I opened my mouth I froze.  
  
  
  
Pitti-Sing, oh Pitti-Sing, lovely little maid from school  
  
I want to give you a thousand giant hugs.  
  
The way I feel about you is the exact opposite  
  
Of the way I feel about boiled bugs.  
  
  
  
Ko-Ko stared at the poem. It was a work of art, he thought proudly. But then he imagined himself handing it to Pitti-Sing, and all his confidence promptly faded. I can't ever let her see this poem, he thought. She has a boyfriend already. She already has someone who loves her. I hope he realizes how lucky he is.  
  
He crinkled up the paper and tossed it over his shoulder.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Meanwhile, Nanki-Poo was doing some shopping in a nearby store. On his way home, he stopped at the newspaper and magazine stand in order to pick up this month's "Highlights" so he could take a look at his favorite feature, "Doofus and Gallant." But first he decided to take a look at the new issue of "Titipu Beat," which had just come out that morning.  
  
"Blah, blah, blah," he murmured to himself as he paged through the magazine. "Yack, yack, yack. Nothing interesting here…" And then his eyes fell on something that was extremely interesting.  
  
I must show the others! Nanki-Poo thought excitedly, and ran off in search of his friends. 


	7. The Surprise Winner

Chapter Seven: The Surprise Winner  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
AUTHOR'S NOTE: At the end of this chapter, you may think our story is finished…but it's not over just yet…  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
That afternoon, Peep-Bo, Yum-Yum and Hiba-Chi were on their way to run an errand when Peep-Bo saw a young girl sitting under a weeping willow. Looking more closely, she realized that it was her little sister. "Hello, Pitti-Sing," she said cheerfully.  
  
"Hello," murmured Pitti. She sounded very unhappy, and upon even closer inspection the girls could see that her eyes were quite red-rimmed.  
  
"What's wrong?" Peep-Bo asked worriedly, sitting down next to her sister. Hiba-Chi and Yum-Yum knelt nearby.  
  
Pitti-Sing took a deep breath, and it was obvious that she was fighting to keep from bursting into tears again. "Shitty-Ping has abandoned me," she finally replied.  
  
None of the girls looked shocked, least of all Hiba-Chi. "I'm so sorry," murmured Peep-Bo, wrapping Pitti-Sing in a tight hug. Hiba-Chi expressed her condolences as well, and even Yum-Yum was able to understand the situation. She stared at Pitti-Sing with pain-filled eyes (although Pitti- Sing supposed that might have been due to a nail she'd broken that morning).  
  
"We'll never say a word to him again," Peep-Bo promised. "Not that I would have anyway."  
  
"He's not even in Titipu anymore," sniffed Pitti-Sing. "He…he…" Tears started to run down her cheeks. "He went to Nykishu to pursue a film career. He told me not to be in touch. He said a big star like himself couldn't spend time with just anybody."  
  
"The scum," muttered Hiba-Chi.  
  
"He's not scum," Pitti-Sing sobbed.  
  
Hiba-Chi locked eyes with Pitti-Sing and stared intensely at her. She repeated vehemently, "Yes, he is."  
  
"Well," mumbled Pitti-Sing, a little frightened at the forcefulness of Hiba- Chi's statement, "I suppose he's a little teeny bit scummy…"  
  
"I didn't know he was interested in doing movies," said Yum-Yum cheerfully. Her happy tone led Pitti-Sing to harbor no doubts any longer that her previous look of distress had been about her broken nail. "I've always wanted to do something like that. I wonder what got him interested in that sort of thing."  
  
"He got a swelled head, I guess," said Pitti, sounding a little more relaxed. "What with winning the Titipu Beat contest an eighth year in a row, and all."  
  
"Or so he thinks," said another voice.  
  
The girls turned around to see Nanki-Poo. He was holding the new issue of Titipu Beat. "What are you talking about, dear?" asked Yum-Yum.  
  
"That dirtbag only assumed he won the contest," said Nanki-Poo. "A safe assumption, I suppose, but it turned out not to be the case."  
  
"Who won?" Yum-Yum inquired.  
  
"It wasn't even one of the nominees," said Nanki-Poo, clearly enjoying leaving the girls hanging. "The editors chose someone who hadn't been nominated at all."  
  
"WHO?!" said all four girls in unison.  
  
"Look," said Nanki-Poo triumphantly, holding the magazine open to the page on which the winner's picture was printed. Pitti-Sing looked at it and gasped. In the center of the page was the photograph of herself and Shitty- Ping – minus Shitty-Ping. He had been completely cut out of the picture. Pitti-Sing had won the contest!  
  
"Oh my goodness!" she squealed. "I can't believe it!" This unexpected delight almost made up for the pain of being abandoned by Shitty-Ping. She exchanged a series of celebratory hugs with Nanki-Poo, Peep-Bo, and Hiba- Chi as Yum-Yum stared at the photo of her sister.  
  
Gosh, she thought to herself. Shitty-Ping looks awfully affeminate in that photo.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Pitti-Sing was soon considered nothing short of a celebrity around Titipu. Still, amidst all the photo shoots and interviews and commercials she was now involved in, she did a lot of thinking about Shitty-Ping. So did her friends.  
  
"I wonder if he'll make it in show-biz," Yum-Yum said one afternoon. "I hear it's awfully tough."  
  
"My guess is no," replied Poke-Mon.  
  
Pitti-Sing was surprised. "No? You would think he'd be cast in lots of heartthrob roles."  
  
Poke-Mon shook his head. "I don't believe so. Good looks count for a lot in the movie business, but you have to have some talent too, and Shitty- Ping has none. My guess is it'll be a very long time before he gets a job, if he ever gets one."  
  
Hiba-Chi was shaking her head. "I don't think he'll ever get a job. He's not the type to persevere. I imagine he'll get discouraged after a few weeks and return home."  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Hiba-Chi's remarks turned out to be prophetic. One week later, Pitti- Sing's friends were throwing a celebration of her new celebrity status at the park. Among the uninvited guests were many people from different local magazines, who were taking pictures and interviewing her. All of a sudden, Peep-Bo saw with her peripheral vision a familiar figure walking along, looking mopey. She whirled around to get a better look and saw that it was Shitty-Ping.  
  
"Look behind you," she whispered in her sister's ear.  
  
Pitti-Sing turned and saw Shitty-Ping. She noticed that, oddly enough, her heart didn't flip over when she saw him.  
  
Seeing that there was a party going on, Shitty-Ping decided to invite himself – most likely because there was food at the party. "Hello there," he said to Pitti-Sing. "I know I told you not to call me, but I…uh…got bored with making movies and decided I'd settle for being with you." He flashed Pitti-Sing his notorious grin.  
  
"I'm sorry," she said. A big smile spread out over her pretty features as she added in a sugary-sweet manner, "We big stars don't have time for just anybody."  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
That day turned out to be one of the best of Pitti-Sing's young life, and not only because Shitty-Ping finally got his comeuppance. She had thought nothing could top that, but as it turned out, she was wrong.  
  
That evening, an idea occurred to her. She thought that Bing-Bong might be found sooner if she and Ko-Ko were to make some "lost monkey" posters. She decided to go over to his house and see what he thought of the idea.  
  
Once she arrived at his house, she knocked on the front door. "Just a moment!" she heard him call from far away. Then he pulled the door open. "Pitti-Sing!" he exclaimed, looking absolutely delighted. "Come in, come in!"  
  
"Hello," said Pitti-Sing with a smile. "I just had an idea this evening, and I wondered if – oh, no!"  
  
She had been absentmindedly fingering the beaded bracelet she always wore around her right wrist, and the bracelet had suddenly snapped. The beads were all over the floor.  
  
"I'm so sorry!" she said, dropping onto her hands and knees and retrieving her beads. "I'll pick them all up, I promise."  
  
"It's all right," said Ko-Ko, who was picking beads out of the rug as well. "Really, it's not a problem."  
  
There seemed to have been a billion little beads on that bracelet. Ko-Ko and Pitti-Sing were picking them up for what seemed like hours. Finally Pitti announced, "I think that's all of them."  
  
"Wait a minute," said Ko-Ko. "We didn't check under the blue armchair."  
  
"That's true," agreed Pitti-Sing. They felt around under the chair and, sure enough, found even more beads. Then Pitti-Sing's hand brushed against something soft and fuzzy. She pulled it out from under the chair and triumphantly showed it to Ko-Ko.  
  
"BING-BONG!" he squealed, giving the monkey a ferocious hug. "You were under the chair all that time!" He continued to embrace the monkey, then turned to Pitti-Sing. "I'm sorry."  
  
"For what?" she asked, confused.  
  
"Well, I made you look all over Titipu and Stickiglu…and as it turned out, he was under a chair all that time."  
  
Pitti-Sing grinned at him as she continued to pick up beads.. "We can tell the others we went to Nykishu, found Katisha holding him for ransom, and got him back somehow…really, we can tell them anything we want."  
  
"We'll make up something ridiculous," Ko-Ko chuckled. He resumed picking up beads, never letting go of Bing-Bong.  
  
Pitti-Sing replied, "It'll be our little…" and then stopped. She had been about to say "secret," but then all of a sudden their hands had met over one of the beads. For some reason she had found herself not wanting to let go of his hand. It felt warm and soft. And he wasn't making any move to let go of her hand, either.  
  
With a strange tingling sensation, she looked up into his eyes and saw that they were filled with love. She was astonished to realize that she had fallen in love with him too. She didn't know when; she didn't know why; but it had happened.  
  
They hugged each other tightly, each completely understanding the feelings of the other. "I love you," murmured Pitti-Sing.  
  
"I love you too," Ko-Ko replied. It seemed he had been wanting to say this for a very long time. "Even more than I love Bing-Bong." Pitti-Sing laughed good-naturedly, knowing what a high compliment that was coming from him. "I used to pretend that Bing-Bong was real, but I won't need to anymore." They continued to hold each other and the embrace soon turned to a series of soft kisses.  
  
Hmmmph, thought Bing-Bong. 


	8. The Perfect Pair

Chapter Eight: Epilogue – The Perfect Pair  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
A few weeks later, Pitti-Sing and Ko-Ko were sitting among the crowd that had gathered for this week's story hour. They hadn't wanted to come, but Pooh-Bah had begged – he really wanted them to hear his new story, he said – and they didn't want to be rude, so they decided to endure it. Hiba-Chi, Peep-Bo, Yum-Yum, Nanki-Poo, and Poke-Mon had returned for the same reason.  
  
Pooh-Bah had been speaking for about an hour now; people were just starting to fall asleep. "It was then that my mother decided to make me and my brother some lemonade," Pooh-Bah was saying.  
  
"I'm really sorry about this," Pitti-Sing whispered to Ko-Ko. "You could have stayed home – then at least one of us wouldn't have to endure this. I would have told Pooh-Bah you were sick."  
  
"As I recall," droned Pooh-Bah, "my brother's glass of lemonade was filled slightly higher than mine, and I wondered if my mother might have been showing just a teeny tiny bit of favoritism…"  
  
"It's all right," said Ko-Ko, squeezing her hand. She looked over at him, and her entire body ached with love when she saw the tenderness in his eyes. It made Pooh-Bah's story hour completely worth the while. Well, almost.  
  
"My brother and I each wanted a chocolate chip cookie to go along with our lemonade. As I recall, my mother had baked a batch on the previous Wednesday, or was it Thursday? Or perhaps it was Friday. Well, in any case, I got the bigger of the two cookies we were given, and felt quite vindicated over the lemonade incident…"  
  
"Perhaps this isn't as big a waste of time as one might think," Ko-Ko said. "We can get some sleep." (Having never been to a story hour before, he didn't realize that this was the custom at all of them.) He sat Bing-Bong down against a nearby tree stump, then lay down in the grass with a peaceful smile on his face.  
  
He looks so adorable like that, thought Pitti-Sing. And for once she and the man she was with were thinking the same thing.  
  
She kissed him gently, then lay her head on his chest and closed her eyes. There was no question of who she would be dreaming about this time. "No," she murmured, "not a waste of time at all."  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
As for Shitty-Ping, word had traveled quickly around Titipu and its neighbouring towns that he was not to be trusted with any pretty girl, and as a result, nobody attractive would have anything to do with him. He couldn't function correctly without someone female on his arm, so he set out to find somebody ugly.  
  
After looking around for a few days, he found the perfect target – an enormous and hideously ugly woman sitting at the base of a tree, reading a book.  
  
Shitty-Ping gulped. Well, he thought, this is probably the best I can do. He turned on his charm full-blast. "Hel-lo," he murmured seductively. The woman turned to look at him, and her eyes instantly widened. Repressing his urge to vomit, Shitty-Ping continued, "Haven't I seen you somewhere before?"  
  
"Why, uh, well…" The woman's face instantly broke out into a big grin. She stood and linked her huge arm with his, and it took everything he had not to run screaming. "I don't know, but I'm enjoying seeing you now!"  
  
"Same here, same here," said Shitty-Ping. "I'd certainly like to get to know you better. Care to do something with me?"  
  
"Of course," said the woman. "How about we have lunch together?"  
  
Figures, thought Shitty-Ping as the gigantic woman led him off. "So…what sort of food do you like to eat for lunch?"  
  
"Anything at all, sweetums," the woman replied. "But my favorite dish is boiled bugs!"  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
The Reader's Digest version of the years that followed: a couple years later, Pitti-Sing and Ko-Ko married. All their friends cried at their wedding, although it could have been due to the fact that Pooh-Bah was the justice of the peace and bored them all to tears.  
  
The happy couple settled down in Titipu and eventually had several children, all with ridiculous names.  
  
Nanki-Poo and Yum-Yum visited Pitti-Sing and Ko-Ko often, as did Peep-Bo and Poke-Mon (who had married as well by that point). Pooh-Bah was also a frequent visitor. The Mikado sometimes accompanied Nanki-Poo and Yum-Yum.  
  
Hiba-Chi married a very sweet young actor named Tick-Tock. The two of them settled down in Nykishu, but came back to Titipu for visits.  
  
Bing-Bong always lived with Ko-Ko and Pitti-Sing, and although he was somewhat resentful of Pitti-Sing at first, he soon learned to like her.  
  
They all lived happily ever after.  
  
As for Katisha, she ended up marrying Shitty-Ping, and to make an extremely long story extremely short, they both got what they deserved.  
  
  
  
THE END 


End file.
